Where the magic words just don’t work
(a confession)
The internet is flooded with emotionally charged write-ups, short quotes and the likes, on broken-heartedness, how people were let down, hurt, deceived, played etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is that, the heartbreakers do no fancy being online, or if we simply are not good with words. Perhaps it’s the shame of knowing we went out of our ways to hurt another human, who only wanted to love us thoroughly, that has blurred our voices on internet spaces.
His name was Randy; I use “was” because maybe like me, he also changed his name, when pain led him down the path of insanity, enough to believe that perhaps, his name had something to do with his misfortune in love. He cried for weeks; although I had harshly removed myself from his life, I knew he cried for weeks, maybe more. Those texts and voice notes he sent when I was not answering his calls, were heart-wrenchingly filled with tears — no doubt.
From hindsight, I see a young predator, who’s style was to shower her prey with the best love experience of their lives. In good time, she would then rip them apart with words like, “I’m sorry; can’t do this anymore.” At least something good came out of that experience — a lesson for life: “when you realize some one finds your minimum love efforts extreme, be careful. You might end up hurting them more than you ever imagined, when you can no longer serve them with your presence in their lives.”
I was selfish when I felt discontented with what we had. Memories of all his time and energy invested into us, seemed absent from my mind during my period of discontentment. It never occurred to me that everyday was not going to keep holding that bliss from the initial phase of our relationship. He never offended me, but I just was not into him anymore; the more I kept up the appearance, the more I felt suffocated by my own actions.
This is not my first time confessing this particular sin. For years, I found myself sharing my pain to anyone who seemed interested, until a blunt friend made me realize it had become a thing with me. Some said, “you did what you had to do.” Others made their eyes spell out the incredulity they felt from hearing of my cold-hearted ways. In case you fall into the category of the others, before adding me to your hate-list, you should know Karma served me back fully. I can’t decide which was worse, that I watched him suffer and beg me to come back to him, while I pretended he did not exist, or that it took me suffering a similar pain, to appreciate the gravity of what I had done.
Walk gently in the lives of others. Not all wounds are visible. — Anonymous
Yes, relationships do not always have to work out. Sometimes, it needs to end for the mere fact that one party is no more into it. I agree, but it is wrong to switch on a lover unprovoked, and let them down roughly, as though you were sure they had no capacity to feel pain. I should have talked it out with him; what I lacked was the emotional maturity to do so, and he suffered for it.
Randy, I doubt you will see this, but I’m sincerely sorry for how I treated you. The last time we spoke was about three years after treating you badly. It was missed calls returned three years later, when my own pain pushed me to apologize to you. My audacity to think, after years of hanging you out to dry, I could just come back to fix things with the magic words, “I’m sorry” must have left you baffled, but hopefully not feeling insulted, because that was not my intention.
Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions. — Tucker Max.
If it means anything, you inspired a positive change in me, to treat my relationships with more love and respect.
You did not pretend to care for me. That day on the phone, your voice had turned from that which made me feel ever so welcomed to into your life, into that of a person impatient and uninterested — even a little angry. You said you had nothing against me, but those were light-weighted words that flew from your mouth without resistance. The vibe between us was not a kind one, and I get it. I truly hope what I did, did not leave a nasty scar on you. Even if it did, I hope and pray you have healed now.
