The Twelve Steps (IV)
(Soul Searching)
“The person in recovery must identify their problems and get a clear picture of how their behavior affected themselves and others around them.”
-verywellmind
Getting into a self-destructive habit when I knew the consequences, spoke volumes — I am now ready to listen.
The advantage that seemingly enticed me to smoke for the first time ever, was that it was going to help me escape my reality. ‘what was so bad about my reality, that I needed to escape by exposing myself to a highly addictive, possibly destructive habit?’ It can be summed up with one word: Lack. All the good things I needed, but did not have, were tormenting my mind, even when I denied their importance to me.
I lacked the discipline to stick to a goal from start to finish. Then came the inevitably guilt, that an escape gladly replaced, but it was a vicious cycle. The guilt always returned stronger, after the high wore off. Meanwhile, the high kept getting weaker as the habit of escaping got firmer. That called for a deepening of this habit, and a growing monster called guilt — it was hurting me, yet I kept feeding it.
She was a girl who was not showing up for herself in her world; she deferred her important life choices to others, who did not care that much about her, like she should have. No wonder, she needed to escape. The pain of watching those she trusted show her clearly, that they really did not care that much, especially the pain of knowing she was not valuing her own life (knowing but too numb and low in spirit, to do anything about it), was more than enough call for an escape. That did not stop the consequences from getting to her by the way, for the consequences of our actions do not care how justified the cause of our actions were.
The paranoia, and low self-esteem that comes from long term addiction to any substance abuse, is a whole message. It speaks to the fact that deep down, no one wants to be anti-social. The same way no one is perfect, is the same way, no society is perfect, so it was unwise to nitpick issues with society, and decide to cut myself off from the “crowd”. Admitting this hurts my ego, but grounds me on the path of recovery.
Getting mad at those who cared enough to try pressuring me into stopping my self-destruction, was the height of blind stubbornness. At this point in my recovery, I see that it was fear that caused them to act out; they were the ones who actually cared, and it’s not surprising at all, that they are the people most proud of my recovery now.
Soul searching is a difficult thing that brings me face-to-face with my shadow — all those parts of me that I’ll love to deny exists, but they do. It makes me sick, but if I stay a bit longer, there’s healing at the end. I know there will be a kind of knowledge impacted to me, that will make it mightily difficult to visit the wrong actions of my past. Therefore, here I am; a naked soul before the telescope of my own objectivity.
Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for using your precious time to read this piece from me. It was written with heart and soul, and hope you enjoyed it. If you did, do consider checking out my debut book, in the link down below. Stay blessed.
