“Is that what he wants?”
(a poetic essay on: a girl’s questions about God)
Ghana is a country in West Africa, where the financially secured may easily loose sight of the fact that, the country is still developing. Almost every pleasure that can only be enjoyed by the privileged, are available to people in Ghana, so long as they can afford it. Sometimes, even financially average people like me, also forget how far behind we are, in comparison to the rest of the globe.
One characteristic of a developing country is that, there are certain ideologies, and practices which although are detrimental, are widely accepted. Some of these include, tribalism, xenophobia, bigotry, and intolerance towards minority groups like the LGBTQ+ community. It’s common to find good students, and well educated leaders, who easily identify with these detrimental ways; this fact, coupled with others like, the fact that majority of people are comfortable with our backward ways (friends and family), make it easier than it should be, for an average Ghanaian like me, to adopt to such non-progressive ways; especially when we are locked down in our comfort zones, or when we are overwhelmed with the issues of our lives. Although, children mostly do not know or care about such ideologies, they easily pick up values and opinions from the older generation they look up to. This further turns the continuation of harmful ideologies and practices into a vicious cycle, that only the lucky get to escape.
Presently, I’m grateful to call myself one of the lucky ones. However, it was not always this way; there was a phase in my life, where I too was caught in the trap my society had laid out for me. My sin was that of Bigotry. Before I knew the meaning of the word, I was already ignorantly wrapped up in it.
bigotry
obstinate or unreasonable attachment to a belief, opinion, or faction; in particular, prejudice against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.
Finding solace in God, should not have been a bad idea, but as the philosopher Ludwig Feuerbach aptly put it, “man created God in his own image.” Trying to get God’s help, while being led by the men of my society, was synonymous to gradually signing away my conscience for the sake of pleasing God, in the ways they prescribed. I did not know that being told to pity and pray for people who did not believe in my God, was bigotry (and that bigotry was unhealthy), but I knew very well how funny that sounded, and how I had to go out of my way to accept that. It was a constant mental struggle knowing something was not right, but being unable to tell what it was for sure.
The frustrations of my life, and my need for relief, pushed me to unsuspectingly seek help from God, as he was the first solution everyone around me seemed to recommend. For the crime of relying on “spiritual authority” for guidance, instead of seeking God for myself, I swam in the sea of delusion, as pastors and so-called leaders affirmed my intentions: to receive positive changes in my life, not through hard work, dedication to my goals etc., but through the grace and favor of God.
After years of playing myself, I found myself in the middle of the night, with a strange, yet familiar feeling — death. My time was finally up; my conscience could no more be shut up. It was like a sickness that had gone untreated to the point of breaking me down; now I had to deal with it. I dug deep, and ended up with a free verse. It now serves as my reminder to stay human, and never shut up my conscience, ever again.
(the free verse)
Is that what he wants?
God is taking over my life, but is that what he wants?
All my talents geared toward praising him, but will it take words/
The long hours spent with him
You mean these are his pleasures — to be adored?
To spend time in assessment and discovery/
Lay face down, all night in praise and worship
How do humanity’s issues get solved?
When we make tangible contributions/
When I promote these doctrines
To listen to my instincts/
Wait for the still small voice to speak
“He wants you to trust in him only;
Look upon the hills for a response”
Are you sure — Is that what he wants?
May this confusion cease.
